Freedom of Fear

"Within a system which denies the existence of basic human rights, fear tends to be the order of the day. Fear of imprisonment, fear of torture, fear of death, fear of losing friends, family, property or means of livelihood, fear of poverty, fear of isolation, fear of failure. A most insidious form of fear is that which masquerades as common sense or even wisdom, condemning as foolish, reckless, insignificant or futile the small, daily acts of courage which help to preserve man's self-respect and inherent human dignity. It is not easy for a people conditioned by fear under the iron rule of the principle that might is right to free themselves from the enervating miasma of fear. Yet even under the most crushing state machinery courage rises up again and again, for fear is not the natural state of civilized man." 
— Aung San Suu Kyi 


She is one brave woman alright. 


I recently took up a position. One that  I'm so terribly doubting myself at each angle now. 


I'm tremendously afraid of the biggest enemy - the "What ifs". What if I dont know enough? What if they dont respect me? What if they undermine me? What if they opine that I'm irrelevant? What if I'm not doing enough? What if I done the entire paperwork wrongly? What if I cant keep up with the rest of the crew? What if I cant juggle it with work, family, boyfriend, friends, Sai activities? What if I screw up the Ministry's arrangements? 


WHAT IF?


Gosh, how I absolutely abhor that phrase. 


Fear tends to be the order of the day. 


How unfortunately true! It sure is the order of my day when I open my special email specially created for this special position & there it is, the whole barrage of emails on so many crucial issues that I've absolutely no idea about. 


 Fear of losing friends, family, property or means of livelihood. 


It all revolves around work, the different people I meet. What if due to a wrong step taken, a bad impression was made, and down the drain the effort goes? 


Fear of failure. 


Kiasu ka beh si (literal translation: afraid to lose until cant die). That I really am. Trying to keep up with the rest. Without realising that I'm panting to the end of my breath trying to keep up. But then again, what happens if I'm just working too slow?  


A most insidious form of fear is that which masquerades as common sense or even wisdom..


How unfortunate, it seems as though I'm falling into the tangled web of the most insidious form of fear. Seems to me that keeping with the Jones is the right way to go - because everyone is doing it! That we should all succumb to all that has been piled on us and not taking our own baby steps. Apparently, this has been a worldwide acceptance and it is expected of you when you come into office. Gah! 


It is not easy for a people conditioned by fear under the iron rule of the principle that might is right to free themselves from the enervating miasma of fear.


It is so true. It has been almost a month and it doesnt seem like I can unshackle myself from the shackles of fear. The fear of the What ifs. It is almost as though fear came in the package together with the position, it is all in the package and without it, the position aint properly fit. It has to have fear, it has to trigger the chills, it has to shake your confidence - so that you can really go all the way to be of the best service to those under your jurisdiction. And, we are afraid to remove this fear. For if we remove the fear, it will also be goodbye to the position. Or so we think. Are we thinking right? 


Yet even under the most crushing state machinery, courage rises up again and again, for fear is not the natural state of civilized man.


All I need to do now is to get down to do my checklist. Place priority at the top. Cross out the done ones. Plan weekly. Plan monthly. Do all my readings (note the plural). Check all my mails. Make all those calls. What else is there that cant be done? Nothing, I bet. It is all about planning. I can do it right. 


& I will do it right. 


For fear is not the natural state of civilized man. 


Wish me luck!